They built the world’s largest salad. The whole thing was set up in a park about an hour away from our home so my wife Diane convinced me that it might be fun to go see it.
"Deb and Gary are going this afternoon and so I thought we’d ride over there with them."
"Will there be any left?"
"Oh, it’s not to eat," said Diane. "It’s like an art piece. The Guinness World Records people will be there."
On the way over, I started to talk about a Cobb salad I had at this place near my office that was pretty big.
"I usually eat only about half of it."
"Well, I’m sure this one is much bigger than that," said Gary.
"Jesus Christ, Gary. I wasn’t implying that I thought the Cobb salad I had was bigger than this salad. It’s just that all of this giant salad business has me thinking about large salads I’ve had before. God!"
"It was a joke," said Gary. "Calm down."
But I could tell from the muscles in his face that Gary was lying. Deb quickly chimed in with a request to hear about more of the big salads I’d had, but I was over it. The mood had been ruined.
"Forget it," I said. "Let’s just get this thing over with."
The salad was huge. According to a series of laminated signs, we learned that all of the produce had come by way of donations from local farmers and then a college in New York had commissioned a handful of artists to construct a gigantic ceramic bowl to put everything in.
We took pictures and afterwards I bought a t-shirt at the gift shop. It was powder blue with a graphic of the gigantic salad pasted right on the front. On the back was the date and city.
In the car, Gary said that the salad on my t-shirt just looked like a regular-sized salad.
"Bullshit," I said. "It’s huge."
"Well maybe it’s huge because you know that it’s huge," said Diane. "But to someone who doesn’t know what it is, I can see how it looks like a regular salad."
I looked at it again and realized that they were right. How could I have allowed myself to be seduced by the context of such a limited reality? The only place a gigantic salad can truly exist is sitting there right in front of you! Even photos were a stretch. I stifled my anger and humiliation with short breaths and concentrated on the scenery so as not to rip the t-shirt in half in a blind rage.
Gary had made me look like a fool twice in a span of mere hours and I desperately needed to restore balance. That night, I sat in my study and replayed the day’s events in my mind. Surely, Gary had to have slipped up somewhere and said or done something dumb.
"Diane," I said. "Wake up."
"God, what time is it?"
"Remember when we first saw the salad? Remember what Gary said?"
"I don’t know."
"He said that the salad was so big, that he’d need a pitchfork to eat it! Remember?"
She thought about it. “I guess. I really don’t remember.”
"He did say it! Ha! What an idiot!"
I clapped my hands together.
"Because, Diane. The ingredients were standard-sized ingredients. It was only the salad itself that was huge."
"So why the pitchfork?! Does Gary suddenly have a gigantic head with such a gigantic mouth that a regular fork won’t do? God, he’s so stupid! Isn’t he stupid, Diane?"
"I don’t know what your problem is with Gary."
"I don’t have a problem with Gary! I just have a problem with an idiot who thinks that large portions automatically correlate with large utensils. I mean, Christ Diane! What an idiot!"
I could see that my wife wanted me to leave, but I wasn’t done yet.
"Why, that would be like thinking that…" I paused, a grin plastered to my face, and tried to think of a similar example containing both a large food item and another large utensil. But it wouldn’t come to me.
"It would be like what?" asked Diane.
"Nothing! I’ll think of it later."
That night, Gary was awakened by an anonymous phone call from the payphone outside of a nearby liquor store.
"If someone gave you a gigantic sundae, you’d probably try to eat it with a snow shovel!"
Anchorman and Anchorman 2
Focus On The Filth
ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY AND ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES
The Anchorman series is yet another wreck of a vehicle for Will Ferrell’s comedic talent. Read the entire filthy review of Anchorman on Focus On The Family’s Pluggedin.com.
Note that this is a review of the original PG-13 release. Focus on the Filth is not planning to review the R-rated re-release.
Academy Awards 2014
This year’s crop of Academy Award nominees is dross. Find out why.
Movie reviews included in this episode: HER, American Hustle, and The Wolf Of Wall Street.
Watching the Oscars tonight? Because Focus On The Family wants you to beware. Hear their reviews read verbatim via Focus On The Filth.
Today, Valentine’s day, is the 1-year anniversary of Maxx quitting pacifiers and me quitting smoking. Cold turkey for both of us. Obviously, it was our idea for her to give up her pacifier, but it was her idea for me to give up smoking.
For awhile we had been preparing her for giving up her pacifier one day — talking about how, even though it was comforting and part of her daily routine, it was bad for her mouth and that it would be healthier to give it up. One day as we were talking about it she suddenly asked, “So, then are you going to stop smoking?”
She had a point. I allowed that maybe that was a good idea and we could both quit together. She took my half-hearted assent as a solid commitment and cheerfully announced that we should do it on Valentine’s day — which was about six months away at that point. That seemed far enough away for me, so I agreed.
So six months later on Valentine’s day we went together to Build-A-Bear at the mall — a place where you can build, stuff, and accessorize your own teddy bear. We picked out matching empty bear skins, she put her pacifier in one, I put my last pack of cigarettes in the other, and then we stuffed them up and the lady working there sewed them up for us. Turns out she was a recovering alcoholic, and she commiserated a bit with us and offered each of us words of surprisingly genuine support.
The first day was easy — a shared adventure. The following days were worse. And still, it was made significantly better by working through the loss together. She’d ask me how I was doing, and I did the same. At night when it was hard for her to fall asleep we’d discuss tips and tricks. In the morning when I started the days — coffee and no cigarette — I thought of her.
We became our own little Sucking-On-Things Anonymous support group.
Together we both got through the next two weeks, and then turned a corner. We stopped thinking about it, talking about it, and then… that was pretty much it. We just recently talked about it again, and we each agreed it was hard to imagine wanting to go back.
So, happy Valentine’s Day, Maxx!
i would like you to meet my brother, @tylerfielstra. go to his feed and see what he sees, follow if you like. he’s pursuing a newfound passion in photography and i’m his big sister so i just HAVE to share his talent with you all. // (this is his photo, by the way….just needed to state the obvious.) =)
Who’s that? it’s Mr. Chris Jacobs doing a live reading of the next Focus On The Filth piece at Sundance. Prepare yourselves… This one’s gonna be good!
Extremely helpful if you need to know exactly how many s-words are in Thor 2 (one fully spoken and one interrupted), or if there are boobs in August: Osage County (nope).
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. February is Academy Awards© month at Focus on the Filth! Stay tuned for scathing reviews of the year’s top movies as they race to win the Oscar©!
My friend Kristen Meyer over at Salvage Design is doing another amazing project. This time she’s set-dressing a series of mono-color stages for Adrien Broom’s Color Project. I can’t wait to see what happens when a director finally plucks her out of Connecticut to work on a film or music video. Amaze-balls.
Kristen is also the designer who made the custom transform jacket that Hulk talked about in his Looper Comic-Con piece. She is now partnering with my good friends at Imagine Goods to make versions of this jacket that YOU CAN BUY.
This is really happening right now in the studio! This could be my favorite so far. #orange #thecolorproject #propstyling @adrienbroom @ddnickel @miriamhope
OH BOY I CAN’T WAIT TO READ THE FRESH NEW TAKE ON THIS OFT-IGNORED MOMENT IN POP CULTURAL HISTORY